Get all 15 (EM) releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of seedsong [demo], getting there, newbooksamepage + olwil, me and my arrow [Harry Nilsson], turbine regalia, mortality disco, dumbo, thrEE, and 7 more.
1. |
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taking drugs like i’m flipping every switch
hoping at least one light bulb still works
where's my energy?
where's my empathy,
creativity, and memory?
burnt out
snuffed out
choked out
captain of a
bloated sinking boat
my head is a forest on fire
the heat suffocates me
is it shame or hot hate
i am feeling?
i am hurting
until it kicks in
i feel like shit
and i tell myself
i’ll never do it again
but then it kicks in
i can feel it
i convince myself
i need a little more
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2. |
mortality disco
03:21
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it's the first day of the year
if new year’s day wasn’t
when we were told it was
let’s start this shit over
push the boulder
up the hill (again)
struggle behind it or
finally grind it into dust
it’s a must
where’s my lust for life?
and is that what defines me?
what i wish or what i've done?
my head hurts and i hope
i don’t wake up broken
if i ever do fall asleep
too scared to close my eyes
scared they will
never close again
i’m listening to everything
around me and inside
i used to think i’d
decide to die
these days life
feels so short
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3. |
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unacceptable
unstoppable
potions
powders
cold equalizes all
my mind is freezing
my world is slow
the box is out of matches
banished from every path
i traipsed through them all
with no respect
now what is left
is rightfully mine
that is nothing
shuffled all around
no one knows how
to hold something
so broken
muffled voices follow
my head from the
frozen air to the
floor as i fall
there are endless possibilities
i must remind myself
of that constantly
anything could happen
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4. |
(goof) grin through
04:02
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my heart is shrinking in my chest
my muscles twist to knots
brain drained of functionality
shell-shocked day to day
dissolving
pure entropy
hell is free
when i walk at night
i see streaks of light
in the dark sky
is the universe a shadow?
the wind
rustles me
like the leaves
the cold does
not bother me
as i atrophy
i am unsteady
russian roulette every night
simultaneously killing
myself and putting up a fight
moderation is drawing a line
but i'm moving it all of the time
i judge the pain
with a grain of salt
and grin through it
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5. |
nothing... (for sale)
04:00
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on the inside
i am growing
layers like a shell
to quell my nerves and
i’m doing well
if well was
cutting down
not cutting out
impeach me
tell me what i need
feed me loose-leaf
paper and dust please
stumble around town
pretending not to
know my way but
i know too well
sell me ease
i’ll squeeze by
as long as i have
something supplementary
i’m not very
convincing whatsoever
i don’t even
believe myself sometimes
make the morbid
effort to avoid
a knife to the side
feeling kicking in
at this point
i don’t trust anyone
to know my brain
except myself, but
i’m insane
what will i do?
what can i do?
nothing...
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6. |
can't quit/full of fear
02:00
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if the point of life was to lose
i'd be the winner
loss upon loss stacked high
a fortress for a sinner
the shame i feel when i recall it all
keeps me warm in the winter
i could try escaping this world
but i'm no quitter
i promise myself i will change
again and again, yet this version remains
at least i'm alone these days
so i can't hurt anyone
a tacit agreement with death
to one last chance before
i hang my coat and go
i just had to ask
though i know i will
hit the ground again
what's another day,
a month, a year?
when paralyzed by
fucking fear
fear of being here
fear of leaving
i’m not sure what's worse
obviously staying's easier
since i haven't gone anywhere
why do i choose to
remain in pain?
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7. |
open letter
04:15
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i deserve to acknowledge
the painful
awkwardness that
remains from the real
pain i’ve inflicted
if i used you
i am sorry
even, maybe especially
if i didn’t mean to
or realize it at the time
my mind is always rewinding
the tape and playing it through
and i hate it, though i understand it,
and i definitely don’t hate you
i’m a captain aboard a ship that
cannot adhere to the wheel
i know, but that does not solve it
the memory’s uncomfortable
but i relive it to try to be better
i hope that begins
an apology to you,
and to others, and the world
and i understand if it isn’t
enough
i understand
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8. |
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i watched a documentary
all about a killer
i went for a smoke
heard the leaves rustle
a cigarette left to burn
knows its end
i don't and it scares me
no matter how close i've been
i don't have the guts
my brother has
that's why i worry
to lose him, i'd never forgive myself
i once was intrepid
now i just stay hid
back in the city
everyone knows to hate me
i've hurt so many
my role was steady
sweet 'til you're dealing
with compulsive stealing
i have changed
i focus on hurting myself these days
but in passive ways
a slow descent into a deathbed
i try to treat my family right
give strangers too much love
until they're out of my sight
so i have a lot to learn yet
i don't see myself as a person
just a ghost so uncertain
of which realm is worth it
graceful end or crushed by the curtain
i wish i was sanguine
no, i wait for someone to say when
only i have the power
responsibility turns me sour
fuck this, fuck that
i'm tired of being my own welcome mat
soon i'll be on my way to a better place
save me some space
i am mentally unwell
i know, it's a tough sell
if there was only a way to quell
the destruction my brain seems to seek
yes, i am weak
my state of mind is fickle
a glimpse at me may not reveal
all i hear is clocks ticking
time crawls, (but it) never stalls
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9. |
betterment
03:53
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wanna watch me pass out?
wanna watch me flip out?
i keep a shut mouth
i don’t want to be seen, but
i want to make a scene
i want to make something real
to help someone or to release myself
brief the world on my condition
try to improve my position
i think(?) i have enough ambition to
fulfill a life-long mission
i’m working towards it every day
but it’s so easy to fail
people make me well aware
why the fuck should I care?
i'm meditating in my own way
i don’t always know what to say
i’ll sing it if that’s okay
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10. |
escaping doom
07:34
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my insides are puke and bones
an unsturdy structure
like a little home
ripped from its foundation
now part of a
hurricane's roam
time quickens and
sickens me
i can feel the mirrors
smashed and fire
lashing at dirty furniture
this form is fried
when i uproot my life
i can never be the same
and the wind, no matter
where i am, will
whip at my skin
leaving its marks like
little bloody grins
i eat away at myself
the dead spreads
consuming all it can
try to wash it away
i will only grow sicker
that short relief kills ya quicker
not much to do now
except wait, try not to
anticipate an ending
experience any and
every memory i've been
waiting to make
when i uproot my life
i can never be the same
and the wind, no matter
where i am, will
whip at my skin
but i can adapt and
turn things towards the better
do we live in empty tombs or vessels of blood and spit?
born as trash but
i will last longer
than you think because
i'm trying to be better
isn't that what matters?
i may be in tatters but
i'm breaking the pattern
i'm climbing the ladder
under a slivered moon
i start anew
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(EM) Stevens Point, Wisconsin
Eddie Mead
the NITE DINO
sees you soon...
thrombosis jones lives alone
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My newest group, writing and recording with my greatest friend and youngest sibling. Our album is never-ending and always growing, so watch out for new tracks being added!
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